Weekly Thoughts
Path / Mysteries #2 12/13/08
Hi all,
Regular readers know my transparency, as these "Thoughts" are literally that - things I've been thinking on during the week. Sometimes they encourage, sometimes enlighten, sometimes offend (that's OK, sometimes my thoughts offend me too), but always I hope, provide food for thought.
I can only share according to the grace given me, so this week I'm impressed to share about our oldest son, within the context of a path through fire, and God's faithfulness.
Our son
Chris was our first born, and he turns 29 December 23, in 10 days. He was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck in a slip knot, tightening with each contraction. After much distress on his part, and delay on the hospital's part, he was finally born at 8:50pm/21.50 by emergency C-section.
When he was 8 months old he was not sitting up normally, and Barb and I had recently moved to Colorado from Tulsa, so we found a pediatrician and took Chris to see him. The diagnosis was Cerebral Palsy (CP), a general term for any brain injury suffered during labor or delivery, in Chris' case as with most CP patients, from lack of oxygen. The doctor told Barb; "Put him in a home and forget you ever had him, and just go on with your life." We were devastated, but rejected that advice, and raised Chris at home along with his little brothers, trusting the Father for healing.
Today Chris is almost 29 years old, yet frozen mentally to that of a 3-5 year old. Most of the time he is the happiest kindergartner in an adult body you'd ever want to meet. January 13 will mark the 5th anniversary that we placed him in a group home, about 100 miles from where we live. It was the hardest thing we've ever done. How do you tell a kindergartner he can't live at home any more?
Being in the ministry is hard, for it is really about laying down your life for others, with no respect to those you minister to doing right - whether they get angry and break friendship with you though you bent over backwards being there for them, or pouring time and energy into someone, but them never saying a thank you nor putting some money in the offering or mail, or taking time from your own family to help someone in their family's time of crisis - ministry is about sacrifice for others and trusting the Father that he sees and makes up the difference. It's very hard to do that with a handicapped child in the home.
Church and ministry life
When I was on staff at a large church the leadership did not care about our family situation, it was all about being there, being visible, paying the price. Preaching God and family from the pulpit, the reality behind the scenes was totally different, therefore juggling church and family was even more of a constant struggle. We thank God for Diana, who manned a handicapped children's room on Wednesday nights and Chris grew to really look forward to going, that allowed Barb and I to go to church together during that time.
As Chris grew beyond the ability to use a walker, his legs being too weak, he had to crawl around the house, resembling an army soldier crawling on his belly under barbed wire. It also meant he could no longer get on the toilet without help, and as he grew it turned out if he had been normal, he would be my size (I'm 6'6"/2 meters tall), so there was no way Barb had the strength to help. It meant he was in an adult diaper when I went to work, had to attend services, or for any other reason when I was away from home.
And of course we didn't have a social life. Going out to eat at a restaurant or for special occasions was a rare event due to arrangements with volunteers to be made. Many times someone would come to us saying "God is leading me to help you", only to discover after 1 time of babysitting God must have changed his mind, as we never heard from them again. More than once when we did have help, upon returning home we found our personal things had been snooped through, or we had things stolen.
When Chris' next youngest brother, Jason, headed to college, there was one less person to help Barb, and when our youngest, Brian, headed to Colorado for ministry school, we knew the season had fully changed. We could no longer juggle ministry and care for Chris at the same time, as his brothers were a huge help, so we searched all over Oklahoma for a group home for Chris, finding one after months of searching.
Current situation
When Chris started going through puberty (age 12) he started having seizures, which are common in brain injury patients, and over the last 17 years managing the medications has been a huge challenge. The challenges of dealing with doctors, a layer of ever changing staff and paperwork at the group home has been very time consuming, heart wrenching, and means Barb has become the one who documents it all. It took Chris 1 1/2 years to adjust to his new surroundings, if I can call it that, and even then bursts of anger became normal, to the point they have threatened to kick him out if he doesn't become manageable.
Flash forward; By this past winter Chris was exhibiting signs of depression. He'd refuse to get out of bed, become violent against himself and anyone who tried to get him up, choosing rather to lay in his own waste than get up and face the day. The group home was saying either he straightens up or they will kick him out. We had it in our spirits that his depression was related to not seeing family more than the once a month that had become our routine. With ministry requirements and travels, bringing Chris home for more than a weekend a month was nearly impossible, and visiting him other than that to take him to lunch meant a 2 hour drive up and 2 hours back, and time with him - a whole other day each time.
But we began visiting him 2 times a week starting in the spring, and he (emotionally) improved with that contact. However his appetite has not returned in the same way. In July he weighed 160 pounds, in October 154, and last week 147. We looked at the numbers and realized we were spending the same in gas and food each month as a small mortgage. About 5 years ago I felt we were to sell our house and move to be within 30 minutes of him, to a nearby lake in Northeast Oklahoma, and this summer we realized the timing was now. I've always wanted a lake house true, but I felt this was something for Chris, in which we could have a duplicate office to be able to work, but have Chris with us for 2-3 days at a time.
Things come together
This fall I had felt on a particular day led to look for a house in 1 particular area of Grand Lake - north part, west shore - and in doing so came upon a house for sale by owner who had just literally, put the for sale sign up. Long story short, the sellers were a Baptist pastor and his wife who were moving to their church parsonage, and wanted the house to go to someone in the ministry, so they are carrying the note and we are now setting up house near Chris.
The point of all that history is...
One question I've expressed to the Father numerous times in the last 29 years of life with Chris is; How do you expect me to do everything I'm called to do, and care for my family at the same time? I think we are all faced with similar challenges at various times in life. My sister got a taste of it caring for our mom during the last 2 years of her life, and others have asked the Father similarly: How do I care for my ailing mom/child/etc and carry on my own life; how do I ________ ?
I've never received an answer, but found the grace when it was needed. As you can see from the above narrative, He has made the way at each step. In my thinking, just healing him would be a whole lot easier, because we've been through hell and back over the years trying to care for everyone else while keeping family priorities in line.
I know the privilege I have. I am a prophet and apostle, a seer, and the Father regularly opens my eyes to his realm, I see and receive messages from the Father through angels, and Jesus appears to me fairly often to share things ranging from teachings to commentary on events in the body of Christ, or world events - I know I'm blessed. But our lives have been that path through a fire with things seemingly burning all around, constantly dealing with Chris while also pouring ourselves out for others. We've paid a price only heaven knows, to raise 3 outstanding young men, including Chris, while serving in ministry and maintaining integrity.
Just after we had placed Chris in the group home Barb and I dealt with all sorts of emotions. One night I was laying in bed talking to the Father, asking him to take Chris home if he wasn't going to heal him. I weighed out the "what if's" of Chris dying; could I deal with maybe 35-40 more years of my life without him, knowing we would be reunited in heaven one day? Could Barb endure that sort of pain and time? I told the Father, "If you aren't going to heal him, then take him home. Barb and I have both been to heaven, so we know where he's going, he's got relatives there already, we could handle it."
Then suddenly Jesus was standing in the bedroom. Without a greeting he immediately asked: "Would you have Chris miss out on the fullness of his reward by me bringing him home early, just because you feel bad you had to put him in a group home?" I replied that I had not considered he might have reward in heaven, and would not want him to miss the fullness of his reward. I said "...with this requirement; that he not suffer any sexual or physical abuse, nor neglect." He said "Done", and disappeared.
Eyes off the fire, onto the path
You see, we get so focused on our own problems and perspective that we forget there may be other, heavenly, considerations. The Father's priority is that we become more Christ-like within life's trials, and that includes even Chris. The staff at the group home tells us that Chris regularly grabs someone's hand when they are upset or express they aren't feeling well, and says "In Jesus' name" (That's how he prays, just saying that), or he says to them, "It's OK, Jesus is here with us." So he is doing good in his situation, making the most of it.
I know now he also receives reward for whatever we are doing in ministry, as he was the one in an adult diaper and put up with so much when I was working in ministry over the years. And even now, his being in a group home allows us to continue in ministry, so he is a part of us in that as well.
In the coming year we need to travel more, for the needs of those wanting help with discipleship and house church are larger than our budget and time allow. But the Father has provided a house near Chris to make our work more efficient, and I know the rest will come in time.
We must always look for the little things that demonstrate the Father is orchestrating our lives - if we don't look for those little signs of faithfulness we'll get overwhelmed. He is faithful!
One day before we put him in the group home Chris came crawling down the hall, pulling himself along by his forearms, excited about something. As he came to the end of the hall he said, "Dad! Dad! Know what?" (I replied, "No, what, Chris?") "Know what Jesus told me? Jesus said he's going to walk through the mountains with me. Yep, that's what he said, uh huh, he's going to walk through the mountains with me!"
I hope our story has been a blessing to you. You CAN get through your trial, though your faith is tested as by fire. I look forward to the day Chris and Jesus will walk through the mountains together. And Barb and I want to tag along. Come quickly Lord Jesus!
Blessings,
John Fenn
